Tough day

Today is tough. I just learned that raising two boys in their early age as toddlers is definitely not a piece of cake, especially me lacking with the ability to control my emotion. I burst out. Taken all the guilts to my oldest son. I felt so frustrated that I cried. Today confirms that I am not even close to a type of dilligent housewife. I cant stay at home doing nothing. I cant even read a novel. I am not saying I dont enjoy having my kids literally around me but 24 hours? I need some space. The other most desperate thing by being a housewife is the fact that I dont have a company, an adult one, to talk to. I am pretty much private but I also enjoy chattering with my friends. Having social life to me is a necessity. Now being at home for only a few days I freaked out already. Despite all these facts, I am also longing to have a new laptop. I needed and I have returned the laptop given from my previous office and though my old lovely lappy is still functioning but the battery is broken so you always need to plug in the power socket. But buying a new one means money. And I will not have as much income as I used to be. I dont want to rely on my husband's income. That is out of the question. So many things swirling in my mind. I wish I can go out to relax with my husband. But I dont think it is going to happen. At least not this weekend :(