Accepting reality

Bagas has been our center of attention this year.

Me being over worried and guilty of why Bagas's progress is much slower than this brother. Being almost 3 years old, Bagas still has not shown his ability to pay attention not to mention talk with proper human language. It turned my world upside down. Sensitive as I already am, by knowing this situation only makes it worse. There are times when I can get sad and angry in a snap of a finger. Most of the time blaming myself. Perhaps the largest obstacle is actually on me having to deal with myself. The hardest part is to accept reality.

My heart is torn apart looking at my son.
He is a handsome and healthy boy which makes me even more guiltier, thinking what I have done in the past that has made him into this state. But then I also learn that this kind of attitude is particularly useless. I need to stand up and face it. Accept it. Ikhlas dan rela. And the most important thing is get some help.

So we brought Bagas to a rehab medik doctor (sorry, I am not so sure with the English) which specializes on children. We got some suggestions and we registered Bagas to attend a series of therapies. I must say, taking your son to a hospital and saw him hysterically cried is not easy at all for me. But somehow, over time, it makes me stronger. I need to be strong for my children. And yesterday, when we met the doctor again for regular checkup (after one month of evaluation), my husband and I were so relieved to know that Bagas is not diagnosed with autism. He is a normal kid but experiencing MSDD (Multiple Sensoric Deficient Disorder). The doctor was so happy, I was even happier. But the therapies need to be continued so then Bagas can be stimulated almost all the time.

Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih banyak ya Allah.

But the challenges still continues. And we will do our best.

11 days

11 days off. So many things happened.

Bagas was hospitalized for 4 nights due to typhoid (return home on March 20th, 2014).
And today and tomorrow Enang is off because her son is getting married. Today is very much challenging in taking care of the kids and at the same time dealing with internal pressure. If there are two families in one roof it must be a lie if one said that they have never experienced any issues. Anyway, I am trying not to take in the negatives. Trying to be ignorant and move on. Tomorrow I will participate in a 3 weeks orientation for new staff. Rigid schedule though I will try to squeeze some time to "escape". I also wish we can go back to Bayangkara soon. The house has been renovated and @omjambul keep saying that the price is expensive. I feel bad for him though sometimes I feel like the situation is not collaborating with us. But I always miss Bayangkara. Maybe we can move there next weekend.


xx

Finally

Hari ini akhirnya datang bulan juga. Fyuh. Sempet deg2an karena terlambat. Pastinya pikiran mulai kemana-mana. Ga kemana-mana deng cuma satu mana and you know what. Iya, saya dan @omjambul sepakat untuk tidak punya anak lagi, paling tidak dalam waktu dekat. Saat ini saya menikmati sekali membesarkan Razki dan Bagas. Masa-masa repot perlahan2 mulai berlalu. Begadang, gendong2, ASI sudah selesai. Sekarang lebih banyak bermain bersama mereka, ngulet2 di tempat tidur atau bergulat satu sama lain sampai tertawa2. Selama kantor saya di Bogor saya bisa berangkat lebih siang dan jam stgh 5 sudah di rumah kembali. I want to the best quality time with my kids. Ini yang saya takutkan hilang kalau saya punya anak lagi. Ingin menghabiskan waktu sebanyak2nya bersama anak2. Bermain. Bukan mengurus susu dan popok lagi. Not that I said having another one is bad. It is just a personal choice. Mungkin juga saya tidak mau menambah lagi mengingat biaya pendidikan yang tambah mahal dll. We'll see. But for now I am already happy with the four of us :)

ART oh ART

Hari ini ART nomor dua sms suami. Intinya dia mau berhenti bekerja. Ini ga terlalu mengejutkan mengingat performa dia selama bekerja. Mungkin memang sudah ditunjukkan jalannya. Mudah-mudahan diberikan kemudahan untuk mendapatkan yang baru :)

Mobil

Kemarin genap sudah kita melunasi cicilan mobil kami. Kami menggunakan uang 'pensiun' Deni dari kantor lama. Alhamdulillah. Lega banget. Mudah2an mobilnya berkah. Membawa manfaat untuk banyak orang.

Om Jambul

It is @omjambul's last week in his current office. Walau ga melihat secara langsung saya merasa sedih juga. Sudah 7 tahun lebih suami berkarya di lembaga donor ini. Pahit getir, asam garam, suka duka sudah dialami. Lucu juga kalau berhenti sejenak dan melihat pergerakan hidup kami berdua. Kami pindah kerja di waktu yang hampir bersamaan. Saya menjadi pegawai negeri dan suami menjadi pegawai swasta di satu perusahaan minyak. Sungguh tak terduga skenario Allah. Dan kami pun tak berhenti bersyukur betapa banyak kemudahan yang dilimpahkanNya. Dulu, kami pun pindah kerja di waktu yg hampir bersamaan pula. Dari ICRAF sama-sama ke Jakarta. Jadi senyum2 sendiri. Saya pun merasa diberikan kesempatan beradaptasi di tempat kerja baru dengan sangat nyaman yaitu bersama suami saya. Kantor baru saya lokasinya walaupun di Jakarta tapi berdekatan dengan suami sehingga kami turun di stasiun yang sama dan naik metro mini yg sama. Begitu suami pindah kerja minggu depan, ternyata tempat saya bekerja pun dipindahkan ke Bogor. Alhamdulillah... begitu banyak berkah darimu Ya Allah. Mudah2an kami bisa memperbaiki diri kami menjadi umatMu yang lebih baik. Aamiin...

Yesterday we decided to take Bagas to a specialist on medical rehabilitation for children called dr. Luh. Alhamdulillah when I called Hermina they said we can come at once. We have been longing to meet her but the schedule always didn't match given that we work during weekdays or there are urgent family matters on weekend. It didn't take long for us to finally met her yesterday. Her practice room was not a formal one where the doctor usually sits behind a table. I dont remember seeing any tables but instead there are lots of toys and the doctor cozyly sits on a matrass for kids. It turned out it is her way of observing how the children behave when they enter the room. For Bagas, at first, he was scared and cried, reaching out for me and @omjambul. But then he managed to play the donut and the drum. And then cried again. The doctor said, fortunately, Bagas is not suffering from autism but what is called 'Fraksis'. Bagas has a lack of sensory integration skill due to, among others, over protection from external environment and at the same time, over exposure to electronic gadgets. So now,  the doctor said, no more TV and Ipad, no more socks (gradually) and provide toys that approriate for his age. This is not only for Bagas to learn but also for us, the parents. Wish us luck!